I've become increasingly distressed by the lack of objective criteria for using the terms "authentic", "farb", "mainstream", & c., so, as a public service offering, I would like to offer the following set of rules drawn from my own limited hobby experience.  Enjoy.

Schnapps’s Revised Rules of Authentic Reenacting
October, 2007

1. You will never achieve total authenticity:  being a 19th century person was a full-time job, 24/7, with no time off for posting on the forums.

2. Authenticity is a goal, not an altar.

3. There are only 12 really hardcore reenactors in the world, and none of them agree on who the other 11 are.

4. But they all agree I’m not one of them.

5. “Hardcore” is a relative term, like “yo mama.”

6. To the average reenactor, salt pork is hardcore.

7. To the hardcore reenactor, salt pork is hardcore.

8. Most salt pork issued at hardcore events is eaten later, by raccoons.

9. Authentic hardtack is not a viable substitute for slate roofing tiles.  It’s too expensive.

10. There are no farbs; at least, not if you ask them.

11. An item is only really “farby” after you’ve gotten rid of it on e-bay.

12. A “hardkewl” is anyone who looks better in their uniform than you do.

13. Hardkewls are ruining the hobby.

14. To a spectator, all reenactors are equally insane.

15. We don’t do this for the spectators; we do it for the orbs.

16. Everyone draws the line somewhere.  Lice and live ammunition are good places to start.

17. For every hard and fast rule about “authenticity” there is at least one historical example to contradict it.

18. You will not come across that historical example until after you have passionately expounded the rule in front of witnesses.

19. Nevertheless, vinyl is not an authentic substitute for gutta percha.

20. “Clear gutta percha” sandwich bags are Indian Wars (Wounded Knee, 1973).

21. Blockade runners did not carry Snickers.

22. Avoid anyone who actually calls himself “hardcore.”  He might have other delusions.

23. Righteousness is not a substitute for research.

24. Filth is not intrinsically authentic.

25. Pain and suffering are not intrinsically authentic.

26. Artificially soiled clothes are the moral equivalent of dead animal parts.

27. During the real civil war, brass buttons did not have a patina of age.

28. During the real civil war, no soldier ever laughed at another for wearing a coat from the wrong depot.

29. A badly hand-stitched garment is no more authentic than one made on a sewing machine.

30. Well-worn uniforms are only authentic on well-worn men.

31. Four miles into a march, during a rainstorm, and in the middle of a fire fight are three of the many times no one looks at your buttonholes.

32. “Spooning” is authentic, and not gay.  Unless it’s summer.

33. Or you’re a Zouave.

34. Dying of exposure is authentic, but you can only do it once.

35. Coleman cook stoves and hand warmers are Indian Wars.

36. However, if you are authentically cold, any source of heat is authentic.

37. This includes the restroom in the Visitor’s Center at Fort Frederick.

38. “The Sinks” are not for washing hands.

39. Toilet paper is not PEC (“plain, everyday, common”), unless it’s the kind that comes from restrooms on the New Jersey Turnpike.

40. Civil War armies did not issue toilet paper, but the Christian Commission did supply an endless stream of temperance pamphlets.

41. Kleenex is not authentic; borrow your “pard’s” handkerchief.

42. For better or worse, the terms “stank factor” and “boogity” do not occur in period military dictionaries.

43. Whatever happens, never let the fact that each year tens of thousands of girls complete marathons keep you from boasting of your prowess as a campaigner.

44. Women in the ranks are not authentic, unless they know the right officers.

45. With few exceptions (e.g., Company C, 82nd Illinois), circumcised penises are not authentic either.

46. Whoever bitches loudest about women in the ranks will generally be at least 20 years older and 30 pounds heavier than the average civil war soldier.

47. Surprisingly, the novel Fathers and Sons, is not about reenactors.

48. Nor is the song “Roly-Poly.”

49. For artillerymen during the actual war, “Heavy” referred to the gun.

50. “Ice angels” are a kind of arctic mirage:  true or false?

51. Contrary to popular opinion, blue spectacles were worn more by academics than syphilitics.  But thinking about it, I understand your confusion.

52. No one wants to hear how hot it is.

53. No one cares how much tougher your last event was.

54. The answer to the question “Do I smell bad?” is “Yes.”

55. Not all spiders are poisonous; most just want to be friends.

56. When it gets really tough, just remember:  They were younger, and a lot of them died.

57. Wanting to go home is authentic.  Some of them were wussies, too.

58. On the other hand, most campaigns lasted longer than a weekend.

59. Still, no matter how bad it gets, it still beats a minie ball in the spleen.

60. Whining about others not taking hits is less authentic than not taking hits.

61. Do not shout “Here’s your mule!” more than once every five years.

62. No civil war soldier is ever known to have shouted, “I got you, Yank!” after pulling the trigger.

63. Ditto for “Smoke that, Johnny!”

64. Never staple or glue a cartridge.  Use red tape instead.

65. Sutlers who offer bulk discounts on Confederate officers’ kepis should probably not be consulted on questions of authenticity.

66. Small, unsupervised children at events are not an acceptable form of population control.

67. If more than half the Union Army is Irish, leave the event.

68. If the Confederate Army has a bagpiper, leave the event.

69. An exception to either of the above exists if you have enough beer.

70. Campfire songs about the IRA are not authentic.

71. Ditto the “Panzerlied.”

72. Ditto “Light My Fire.”

73. “Firper” (first person) is not an excuse to say “tarnation.”

74. Firper is not a contest for coolest back story.  Many 19th century people had lives just as boring as yours.

75. Foghorn Leghorn is Indian Wars.

76. Within four hours of returning from an immersion event, try to reacquaint yourself with 21st century toiletries.

77. No civil war soldier ever talked about World War II.

78. Inspirational speeches to the troops will not include the phrase “Johnny [Billy] don’t surf!”

79. On guard, the proper challenge is “Who comes there?” not “Whassup?”

80. However, “What’s up?” is authentic.

81. “Move out” is authentic.  “Wait, I forgot my toothpaste” is not.

82. A “Comrade” is a fellow soldier, not a member of the Communist Party.

83. A “Citizen” is a member of the Communist Party.

84. A “Citizen” is also just a citizen.

85. A “Dead Rabbit” is neither roadkill nor what’s for supper.

86. Mischief-making drummers are authentic; so is tying them to trees.

87. No event at which you see starlings is completely authentic.

88. No event at which you see house sparrows is completely authentic, unless you’re in Brooklyn.

89. Moses only brought two tablets down from Mount Sinai, and neither one was the CRRC.

90. There is an inverse ratio between braid and tactical ability.

91. When the total number of mounted officers at an event exceeds that of the cavalry, their collective ability will not exceed that of either end of the least capable horse.

92. Ubiquity on the internet is not a substitute for real hobby leadership.

93. If, over the course of the year, you spend more hours cruising online civil war fora than you actually spend in the field, do us all a favor and sell your gear.

94. There is a subtle, yet distinct line between “EBUFU” and “EBU – FU!”

95. Don’t get carried away:  it’s a reenactment, not a continuation.  If the South ever does rise again, it’ll just get bitch-slapped right back down.  

96. Hagiography is the enemy of history:  there were soldiers in your favorite regiment just as useless and obnoxious as your least favorite reenactor.

97. According to period after action reports, every regiment was heroic and heavily outnumbered.

98. No matter how depraved the act, someone on your side did it, too.

99. The word “courageous” should never be applied to anything done during a renenactment.

100. Nothing you ever do as a reenactor will be as heroic as signing an enlistment paper.  

--Last edited by Michael Schaffner on 2007-10-15 14:35:59 --

Michael:

#93 should be in the rules for every CW reenacting forum.

But I'm a little concerned about #45. It was only a matter of time before the authenticity of one's genitals became part of the kit check at registration.  

Mark  

--Last edited by mstuart on 2007-10-15 15:59:34 --

That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

Hank Trent
hanktrent@voyager.net

Mike,

I know you don't have that much time on your hands!  

It's been years in the making, Ken

Oh.  My.  Goodness.

That was brilliant!  Can't wait to read them to my husband!!

You're all just enabling him and his head just going to get bigger and bigger.     You all might not care but he is in my unit and he is bad enough already.     Man, I'm happy that I won't be the 1st sgt this weekend!  

WOW!!

Mike,
Are all these rules written down somewhere in fine Spencerian calligraphy?
Do we have to know them by heart before we can show up at some reenacting field again?
Who is going to be enforcing these rules?
Will there be an addendum after each season concludes?
Inquiring minds... want to know!
Julio
P.S. - It was a lot of fun to read the list... I can see someone like Dave Barry getting ahold of the "Top 100" and turning it into a very, very funny book. We won't like it, though.

What a great post, that is until #95. For what it's worth, The Confederacy didn't get "bitch slapped". I hope you'll rephrase that one. If memory serves me, it took nearly 4 years and several hundred thousand lives to end the war. I wouldn't call that a bitch slap. I don't want to come across as touchy on the subject, but my ancestors fought long and hard and didn't quit fighting until there was no hope left.
 We, as reenactors, should honor ALL Americans who fought, regardless of the color of their uniform. I'm a dyed in the wool Tar Heel, but I'll wear the Federal blue proudly when it's my turn. From my hillbilly perspective, a pore farm boy from NC ain't much different from a pore farm boy from Indiana. Neither one wanted to be in a fight, but that's where they ended up.
 
Gregg Hensley
22nd NC, Co. K  

Check the tense on #95. It's talking about the future, though admittedly the south did get whipped pretty thoroughly back then too, by the time it was over.

I took it to mean, "Don't think you neo-Confederates are accomplishing anything by firing blanks and acting brave. If you *really* tried to attack, we wouldn't hold back, we'd bitch slap you right back down." Kinda ties into #99.

Hank Trent
hanktrent@voyager.net

Hank's reading it the way I thought I wrote it.  As far as the real war and the soldiers in it, I agree with you, Gregg.

Though I have no immediate plans to do the genealogical work necessary to disgrace any of them by establishing a direct connection to myself, Schaffners fought in both blue and gray.  I enjoy the few chances I get to galvanize (I live in Virginia, and the CS ranks tend to be oversubscribed), and I enjoy the acquaintance of a number of reenactors in gray.

That said, I am a little creeped out by the League of the South and similar revisionists and revanchists.  Should any of them read that passage and take offense at its intended meaning, I think my response would be to encourage them to write their own rules.  If nothing else, it would show us whether it's possible to hold those beliefs, take yourself seriously, and still write something anyone else would find funny.

But in any case, I look forward to seeing you in the field, Mr. Hensley.  I'll be the one in the blue spectacles running away from the drunken Irishmen, fat artillerymen, ice angels, and the dreaded Division of Detached Officers (DODOs).

Unless of course it's one of those campaign events.  Then I'll be the guy curled around his knapsack in a fetal position, weeping like a little girl.  

The "list" is one of the funniest things I hae read in quite some time. Thanks. If you can't laugh at yourself...you're a grumpy bastoid.

Guys,

Let's be careful with language during this discussion.

I think most of us, who've been in the Hobby for a while, have met folks who are still fighting the Civil War and expecting a different outcome. Ever hear anybody proudly say, "The Hog River Rifles don't ever run or turn our backs to the Enemy"? At events, how many times have you seen that exact behavior? Frankly, this isn't always a "Confederate" thing. but it is always a silly thing.

In regard to the South being "Bitch slapped". It was Shelby Foote who made the statement that the North fought the Civil War with one arm tied behind it's back. During the course of the War, the population of the North increased, the Homestead Act was passed, the Trans Continental Railroad continued to be built, and the North had the manpower to let their Three Year veterans go home, in 1864 if they didn't want to reenlist.

None of this takes a single thing away from the bravery, sacrifice, and suffering of the men and women who were affected by the War, both Blue and Gray. The fact that the South held on as long as it did, is a tribute to the devotion of many soldiers and civilians to their cause.

BTW, my apology to any groups out there who call themselves the Hog River Rifles!    

--Last edited by Bill on 2007-10-18 09:29:08 --

That is a funny list.  Gregg, when folks get riled up about that sort of LOS/SCV nonsense, I mention how Mr. Carrier paved the way for the great rustbelt to sunbelt migration. Of course, that great sucking sound (aka NAFTA) has pushed the limits a little further south.

I should have known that in a forum called the Common Ground that I would receive gentlemanly replies to my post. Thank y'all!I've been "bitch slapped" a time or two on other forums for even attempting to ask for civility towards the South, so maybe I'm too sensitive on the subject.

Btw, Charles I'm a member of the SCV (Camp #379, Marion, NC). Don't lump all of us in the same pile, because the majority of SCV members don't want to fight the War again, nor do we fall for any of the nonsense that seems to get all the publicity. My Camps main goal at this point is to see that every Confederate veteran in our county has a marker at his grave. With 35 done so far and over 300 to go, we've a long way to go...my back hurts just thinking about it. Certainly, there are loud mouths who spout nonsense, get the widespread negative publicity and love it. Most, if not all of them, need a trip behind the wood shed, if you know what I mean.

I'm well aware of where you're coming from about NAFTA. I live in a rural area where as a kid, the main manufacturing jobs were either in textiles or furniture. All of the mills are now closed. Literally all of them. Empty buildings with for sale or lease signs where several hundred folks worked for decent wages 20 years ago. If the South does rise again, we'll be on your side this time, because the way I see it, the Mason Dixon Line will be the Rio Grande.

Btw, Michael the DODO remark is hilarious. I think I've met General Polyester before...impeccable costume and no canteen You could actually do a list on that subject alone...hint, hint.

Gregg Hensley  

--Last edited by Gregg Hensley on 2007-10-18 21:18:50 --

Guys,

Let's be careful, if we start discussing modern poltics like NAFTA here it could get real ugly real quick and become a real headache for us mods. For now let's just kill any discussions on modern politics going forward. Thanks.